Humorous Tool Definitions

Welcome to the other North Florida Woodworking dictionary.  Enjoy

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-A-

• Air Compressor - A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.
• Aviation Tin Snips - See "Hacksaw."
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-B-

• Belt Sander - Used for making rectangular gouges in wood.
• Biscuit Joiner - Tool used to misalign wood in a very consistent manner which can then be sanded heavily.  See "Belt Sander."
• Borg - Big box, all-in-one store that assimilates consumers.  See special Borg writeup.
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-C-

• Chisel - Multi use tool; good for making deep cuts in the hand.
• Clamps - These come in two sizes: too small and loaned out.
• Cordless Drill - Used for rounding out Phillips screw heads at high speed.
• Craftsman - See "Crapsman."
• Crapsman - Part of the Borg collective; sells consumer grade tools.
• Crapsman " x 16" Srewdriver - A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
• Curse Word - See "Expletive."
• Cuss Word - See "Expletive."
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-D-

• Damnit Tool - Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.  It is also the next tool that you will need.
• Detail Sander - Makes triangular gouges, generally in blind corners.
• Drill Press - A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
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-E-

• E-Z Out - A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
• Electric Drill - Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age; with the proper accessories, used to destroy perfectly good wood in many ways.
• Engine Hoist - A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
• Expletive - A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
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-F-

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-G-

• Galoot - hand tool junkies.  Anti-Normite.  See special Galoot writeup.
• Gasket Scraper - Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
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-H-

• Hacksaw - One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
• Hammer (1) - Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
• Hammer (2) - Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer continues to be the tool of choice for making medium sized circular depressions in wooden surfaces of all kinds.
• Hydraulic Jack - Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
• Home Depot - See "Home Despot."
• Home Despot - Part of the Borg collective; sells consumer grade tools and crap lumber.
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-I-

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-J-

• Joiner - See "Jointer."
• Jointer - Used to make the too thin, too short, too narrow wood perfectly straight.  Very useful for making two sides of a board perfectly straight but non-parallel.
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-K-

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-L-

• Little Toe - Tool used to locate the base of furniture when the lights go out.  See "Shin."
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-M-

• Miter Saw - Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary.
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-N-

• Nailset - Used to make small, round depressions around the head of a finish nail.  Principally used for decoration.
• Neanderthal - See "Galoot."
• Normite - Power tool junkies; worships Norm.  Anti-galoot.  See special Normite writeup.
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-O-

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-P-

• Pad Sander - Used for easing the edges of the rectangular gouges.
• Phillips Screwdriver - Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
• Phone (1) - Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
• Phone (2) - Tool for calling your brother-in-law to see if he has your CLAMPS.
• Planer - See "Thickness Planer."
• Pliers - Used to round off bolt heads.
• Pry Bar - A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
• Power Screwdriver - See "Cordless Drill."
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-Q-

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-R-

• Random Orbit Sander - Used for removing the marks left by the PAD SANDER, usually on any surface perpendicular to the original gouge.  May also be used to make semicircular gouges in wood.
• Router - Used to darken wood by friction and make smoke.  For this latter purpose, it replaces the incense used by primitive woodworking cultures who wished to influence the woodworking deities.  When used with a ROUTER TABLE this tool can be used to make varying profiles using a single bit and a single depth setting.
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-S-

• Saber Saw - See Hacksaw.
• Shin - Tool used to locate furniture when the lights go out.
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-T-

• Table Saw - Used to make wood slightly narrower than necessary.
• Tape Measure - This device is used to measure length.  It should be immediately dropped onto concrete several times so that measurements made with it will then agree with every other TAPE MEASURE in the world.
• Thickness Planer - Used to make wood slightly thinner than necessary.
• Trouble Light - The home mechanic's own tanning booth.  Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night.  Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.  More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
• Tweezers - A tool for removing wood splinters.
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-U-

• Utility Knife (1) - Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
• Utility Knife (2) - Used to slice through the fingers.  For purposes of sanitation, the blades are easily replaceable.
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-V-

• Vise Grips - Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
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-W-

• Whitworth Sockets - Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
• Wire Wheel - Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
• Wood Wrecking - People that take perfectly good wood and turn it into sawdust and toothpicks.  We aspire to much more.
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-X-

• Xyacetylene Torch - Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.  Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
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-Y-

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-Z-

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-Misc.-

• 8' long 2 x 4 - Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
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